THE JANK FILES: Archive

THE LAST UPDATE

This is going to be the last update on The Jank Files because I am FINALLY done with both Invisalign and metal braces. I abandoned this blog for a while because braces hide teeth pretty well and it’s hard to do an update when you don’t really see much happening. Also, I’m lazy. At the end of this update I am going to reveal The Worst Picture of My Old Teeth. I have never posted...

May 6th

MYSTERY FOOD BIT

Hi, I just had lunch an hour ago and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet (I brushed them this morning, calm down). Just now a tiny piece of food fell out of a bracket so naturally, I decided to eat it. CURIOUSLY, this did not taste like anything I ate for lunch or breakfast. And the texture was kind of like a cooked carrot which was definitely not consumed today (or any other veggie for that...

Dec 9th

HI

I’m alive and my teeth are still janking along. I won’t be done til February? So they say. By now it’s all lies to me. I don’t even care anymore, I’m beyond annoyed at this point and I want to rip these shitbags out of my mouth. Oh, the lady who put my wires back in yesterday did not even secure the ends. I didn’t go to dental school but I’m preeeetty sure...

Dec 9th

1 note

Oct 29th

JANK FILES IS NO PLACE FOR EMO

I’m eating trail mix with my rubberbands on which is kind of nasty but I don’t care. They’re not the boss of me. I’ve decided that once the braces are gone I’m gonna be that crazy lady you see, walking around and smiling to herself. I will smile on the T. I will smile at children. I will smile when I cry tears of cry. I will smile with my eyes AND mouth because I can!...

Oct 22nd

THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER

Just got back from getting the rubber bands and I look like a circus sideshow. The good thing is that I only have to wear them for a month and braces for two more. The bad thing is I look like a freak but what else is new. I feel like shit.

Oct 20th

HERE ARE MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY MOUTH

OK, I don’t know how people have braces for YEARS because I’m on day 4 and I want these out already. Food still hurts, especially chewy bread. Chewy bread is my favorite, you fucking metal pieces of shit. Also, Sriracha is now painful because it feels like it heats up the braces thereby burning my gums/mouth?! I know this can’t possibly be true but it sure FEELS it. And, I think...

Sep 18th

EGGS HURT

Also: water, brown rice, string beans, bread and don’t forget, WATER. Drinking water hurts right now because I got full metal gear solid cyborg mouth. Yes, braces. Finally. It didn’t feel that bad earlier today but now, NOW, it feels pretty shitty. Definitely tighter than Invisalign. I have more things to complain about and I GUESS I’ll post a picture this weekend. I have to...

Sep 16th

SIKE! TWO MORE WEEKS

And then I decide if I get metal braces or not. Today I went in and the ortho used this tool on my trays. It was called a “dimpling” tool. I wanted to be like, “Oh like the dimples on your face TEEHEE?!” But I channeled my oft missing decorum and stayed quiet. The dimpling tool looks like a pair of pliers and it creates a bump in the back of the trays which then pushes...

Aug 18th

INVISALIGN DONE (PRETTY MUCH)

My next ortho appointment is this Wednesday. I’m not sure if the metal braces are going in on Wednesday but I think they are filing those buttons away which is great since they are FILTHY right now. If you look at them with a magnifying mirror you can see some pretty gnarly buildup around the edges. Unfortunately, I did not take pictures of this for you. I did however, do an update. ...

Aug 15th

I'M BORED. HERE'S AN UPDATE.

Here are my teeth on this fine Sunday afternoon. Note: I’m hungry. I’m 5 days into Tray 11. Let’s look at my teeth some more. Not much change has occurred since Tray 8. The main thing I noticed is that the line that separates my two front teeth on top is aligned with the line that separates the two front teeth on the bottom row. Does that make sense? I tried several...

Jul 25th

METAL BRACES AKA SEXY FUTURE AHEAD

Today I got my last 2 sets of trays. You can tell by the trays and also by how my teeth currently look that Invisalign is not going to take me to Perfect Teeth Land. Instead, I am about 2 exits away at a rest stop, trying to pee without touching anything. At the end of tray 12, I have these options: 1. Stay where I’m at. Stay at this smelly rest stop with one-ply scratchy TP and inbred...

Jul 21st

Jun 26th

WHOA, AN UPDATE... WITH PICTURES

HI. I’m still janking along here but being a bum about updates. I was kind of pissed and depressed for a while BECAUSE Dr. MoneyHoover was like, “Oh, you can get braces, METAL ones, at the end if you don’t like your results.” And I was like FUCK THAT! I got Invisalign in the first place because I didn’t want to be that old lady with braces. Plus, does he think...

Jun 19th

SIGN OF APOCALYPSE

So, there’s a water main break in Boston and its surrounding areas and now there’s a water ban. We can’t brush our teeth without boiling the water first. We can shower in the water but not drink it nor wash our dishes in it without boiling it first. Gotcha. What about people with Invisalign? What about our plight?! You see, it’s really hard to remove toothpaste from the...

May 2nd

UPDATES AND SHIT

OK, I looked at my last set of trays and they look all right. My two front teeth are flush with the adjacent teeth on both sides BUT, they are not as tucked in as I had hoped/dreamed/prayed. They’re definitely no longer jutting out but they aren’t dramatically pushed back. I wanted the dramz. I wanted people to run into me, people whom I haven’t seen in years, and I wanted them...

Apr 21st

HARD HITTING QUESTIONS

Hey, I’m still alive, still jankin’, unfortunately. This past Sunday I got boba with a friend and since we were at a Chinese grocery store without bathrooms, I decided to go for it with my trays in. Good thing I got mini pearls because the tapioca was pretty hard to chew with the trays. My drink was green tea so I figured my teeth wouldn’t look too bizarre afterward and they...

Apr 21st

PREPARE TO BE UNWOWED

Wow, I just made a gigantic update and then tumblr fucking ate it and couldn’t retrieve my “saved” post. Here’s the lazy 2nd time around version. Today’s pictures were taken outdoors because there’s not enough light in my cave house and since it’s windy out, they are out of focus. The first golden yellow shot is before I started Invisalign. I...

Apr 10th

Apr 8th

ANSWERS

1. I saw my animation and I am happy to say the final results look awesome. In fact, Dr. Goldberg said my teeth would look “beautifully straight” which I am inferring means, “Karmen, you are beautiful and straight. Let’s marry!” No seriously though, the animation is cool. It showed the alignment progress tray by tray and it looked like I will have the most noticeable...

Mar 25th

REMEMBER TO ASK ABOUT THE FOLLOWING

Tomorrow I go in for my next set of trays, Tray 3 out of 12. A few questions I need to ask, before I forget, are: 1. Where the hell is my animation? Two of my coworkers who have had Invisalign were shown an animation that illustrated how their teeth would look after completing their treatment. This was done at the beginning of the process and so far I have had no such animation. As I told my...

Mar 24th

TINY, TINY CHANGES

I’m late on posting. Originally I was going to do a photo post after every tray but I lagged on doing it for Tray 1 and now I’m already 1.5 weeks into Tray 2. Oops. Anyway, I just took some pictures before my camera sputtered out and died. I only got a full frontal *wolf whistle* shot and a top row shot. It doesn’t matter though because I hardly notice any change! I thought I...

Mar 14th

Mar 5th

THIS SHIT IS TIGHT

And not in the good/positive hip hop sense. I’m talking about Tray 2s which are in my mouth right now and holy mother of shit, this is really uncomfortable. I already took an Advil and I might go for another. I’m wondering if all of my new trays will feel this tight or if my slacking off on Tray 1 has anything to do with this. Yeah, I was kind of lazy the last few days and I...

Mar 4th

TEETH ROLE MODELS: OLYMPICS EDITION

Feb 28th

MOTHERFUCK

I just broke one of my attachments clean off. I watched it slide down the sink drain at work. I blame the cleaning lady, she was staring at me while I was removing my trays. STOP STARING, PEOPLE, IT’S FUCKING RUDE! (I had to ixnay the unisex showers plan because I tried to go in one and found a pair of WET UNDERWEAR on the floor which is really repulsive and confusing.) OK, time to call...

Feb 25th

Little Shop of Janky Horrors

Hey nerds, I am late on this update. Sorry, I had lots of lying around and DVD-watching to do this weekend… My brother just saw my teeth pics and called me “Little Shop of Horrors.” Here’s a still from the movie, if you’re not familiar: I guess that’s not too far from reality. Here’s a picture of my teeth without the trays: That is a picture of my...

Feb 23rd

Feb 20th

137 notes

Day 3 - Hungry and Smelly

Today I woke up with a serious case of halitosis of the mostest. It’s only day 3 but the plastic is starting to get a little rank. What’s gonna happen when I wear tray 2 for 3 whole weeks?! I’m going to turn into a dragon, apparently. I suppose smoking with the trays in isn’t exactly helping my case but I kind of don’t care enough to stop. I’m also really...

Feb 19th

JANKTRONICS BY THE NUMBERS

2: The number of hours I was at the Ortho today. 12: The number of trays I have for both top and bottom teeth (which works out to about only 6 months of treatment?! I gotta question them on this again because that seems far too short for my cray cray teeth). 30: Number of minutes it took me to remove these fuckers while in the dentist chair. I had to practice putting them in and taking them out....

Feb 18th

Feb 15th

Feb 10th

Jan 11th

Even More Goo

Today I went in to do impressions for my first set of Invisalign trays. The impressions I got done last time were just standard braces impressions that are used as records. What was supposed to be a one hour appointment turned into a two hour one because they had to do my top teeth SEVEN times! The lady who did the first five impressions was kind of making me nervous because she was so high...

Jan 7th

GOOED

Yesterday I went in for my photos, x-rays, and impressions. They took some low rent photos with a Canon point and shoot, then three sets of x-rays, then they put purple goo in these trays and I had to bite down to make a mold of my teeth. They also filled a thing that looked like a glue gun with the purple goo and shot it into my mouth (LOL) and I had to bite down again until it set. My next...

Dec 17th

BRACE YOURSELF FOR THESE RESULTS →

(How many cheesy puns can I milk out of this?) Click the link to a go to a blog from a girl who got ceramic braces. Ceramic braces are like traditional braces but with less metal. They’re a little less visible than the old school, all metal braces. My coworker, who has the same ortho as me, is getting these. She showed me this blog and I am utterly amazed at this girl’s results. Her...

Dec 3rd

Dec 1st

DIOS MIO!

What you are about to see may be shocking to your eyes. Viewer discretion is advised. No, really. If you have small children in the room, please lock them away now. A note on the following pictures: 1. They are somewhat out of focus but that is really for your benefit. You don’t want to see these in HIGH DEF or anything. 2. My teeth are NOT that yellow. Seriously, I’ve been asked if...

Nov 30th

Welcome

Hi, welcome to The Jank Files! Sit down, relax, prepare to view some graphic and unedited images of my teeth. Actually, not quite yet. I left my camera at home by mistake. In the meantime, let me set this up for you. I’ve hated my teeth since I’ve had teeth. In my 4th grade class portrait, I selected the dual image layout (you know, the one where there’s one shot of you looking...

Nov 24th