THE JANK FILES

THE LAST UPDATE

Fri, 06 May 2011 18:53:00 -0400

This is going to be the last update on The Jank Files because I am FINALLY done with both Invisalign and metal braces. I abandoned this blog for a while because braces hide teeth pretty well and it’s hard to do an update when you don’t really see much happening. Also, I’m lazy. At the end of this update I am going to reveal The Worst Picture of My Old Teeth. I have never posted it because it is truly terrifying and amazingly disgusting and I wanted to save it for the end. You are on the edge of your seats, I know it. Before we get to that nasty pic, let me show you the end results of having Invisalign for 7 months and metal braces for 8.

The differences are pretty subtle from this angle. I notice some changes in tooth rotation in a few spots. If I had opened my mouth larger in the newest pic you would see that my top teeth close down and over my bottom teeth more now which I guess is what they’re supposed to do. It’s called a “closed bite.”

So far nothing is mind blowing, I know. But wait for it! These are the top teeth and I can see small changes/improvements with the two teeth on either side of the two big chompers in the middle. If you look closely at the newest pic you will be able to see my handsome mustache.

I think the changes from metal braces are more apparent here, don’t you? The bottom teeth are in a nice rounded semi circle now but in the pic from August you can see that they are ever so slightly twisted and not completely aligned.

OK! Here’s where you can see some really noticeable improvements. I think the top row of pics were taken when I finished Invisalign but I forgot to date them. Do you see all those spaces in between the top and bottom rows of my teeth? That’s the open bite the ortho said that Invisalign is not good at fixing. In the bottom pics you can see that my teeth overlap nicely and most of those gaps are gone. Also, I now look less like a buck toofed banjo playing hillbilly because my two front teeth don’t stick out as much. They definitely don’t from the right side but on the left I can still sorta see it which is why I will only be interviewed with cameras filming me from the right from now on, just like Mariah.

ARE YOU READY TO SEE THAT UGLY PIC OF MY OLD TEETH? If you’re eating, stop and put away your food. Hide your kids and your pets. Do not view near bedtime. And please promise to still stay friends with me after seeing this picture. But OMG, are you ready? OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you. You can still close out of this while you have the chance to. OKKKKKKKKKKKKk…

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! I LOOKED LIKE SLOTH FROM THE GOONIES!!! WHAT EFFECTIVE BIRTH CONTROL, AMIRITE???

It’s not even in focus because the camera was like, “Bitch this is too nasty!” and then the pixels would not pixelate or something. This is what you would have seen back in the day if you were a kid looking up at me while I mouth breathed and stood in line at the ice cream truck making sure you didn’t cut me. And with those teeth no one dared to.

So I hope that was worth the wait. Thank you for staring at pictures of my mouth; I really appreciate it. I am wearing some plastic retainers now that look like Invisalign trays. After a year of these I will switch to the ugly metal ones to sleep in. I will try really hard not to be lazy with the retainers. I should probably print out a copy of that nasty pic and tape it up in various places of my house just to remind me to put in my retainers right after I eat.

Questions? Comments? Oh jeez, compliments and marriage proposals?! Leave them below.

MYSTERY FOOD BIT

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 16:14:14 -0500

Hi, I just had lunch an hour ago and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet (I brushed them this morning, calm down). Just now a tiny piece of food fell out of a bracket so naturally, I decided to eat it. CURIOUSLY, this did not taste like anything I ate for lunch or breakfast. And the texture was kind of like a cooked carrot which was definitely not consumed today (or any other veggie for that matter, LOLZ!). I wish I had taken this food bit out to look at it before eating it but who does that? That would be considered “weird” even in the privacy of my own menstrual hut.

I feel very crazy today. Enjoy it like I enjoyed this mystery food bit. No really, it was rather tasty.

HI

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 10:56:36 -0500

I’m alive and my teeth are still janking along. I won’t be done til February? So they say. By now it’s all lies to me. I don’t even care anymore, I’m beyond annoyed at this point and I want to rip these shitbags out of my mouth. Oh, the lady who put my wires back in yesterday did not even secure the ends. I didn’t go to dental school but I’m preeeetty sure that isn’t right. She didn’t put the elastics back in on the top row at all, she just snapped the wire into the brackets and now the ends are loose and flying around. That is awesome. I now have to wait 2 more weeks before that can get fixed but what’s ANOTHER 2 WEEKS TO THIS MESS???

Loving life & hating people,

Karmen

NEW BRACES PIC!

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 11:42:18 -0400

NEW BRACES PIC!

JANK FILES IS NO PLACE FOR EMO

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 11:58:13 -0400

I’m eating trail mix with my rubberbands on which is kind of nasty but I don’t care. They’re not the boss of me. I’ve decided that once the braces are gone I’m gonna be that crazy lady you see, walking around and smiling to herself. I will smile on the T. I will smile at children. I will smile when I cry tears of cry. I will smile with my eyes AND mouth because I can! And I won’t bother covering my traphole whenever I crack the shit up. You’ll all see my teeth, tongue and tonsils when I laugh at my own jokes (which is all of the time).

Right now I miss yawning and sneezing with abandon. You know how ridiculous it is to yawn with these things in? I have no idea what it looks like when I yawn but I’d imagine it’s hilarious and horrendous. Can’t wait to go back to my sexy yawning in a month. Braces can come off in 2, BTW, if I’m “good” with the elastics. I can’t wait; I feel bad for people who need braces for years. Y’all heroes to me.

THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 14:16:11 -0400

Just got back from getting the rubber bands and I look like a circus sideshow. The good thing is that I only have to wear them for a month and braces for two more. The bad thing is I look like a freak but what else is new.

I feel like shit.

HERE ARE MY COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY MOUTH

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 14:49:33 -0400

OK, I don’t know how people have braces for YEARS because I’m on day 4 and I want these out already. Food still hurts, especially chewy bread. Chewy bread is my favorite, you fucking metal pieces of shit. Also, Sriracha is now painful because it feels like it heats up the braces thereby burning my gums/mouth?! I know this can’t possibly be true but it sure FEELS it.

And, I think my teeth have reverted back to a slightly fucked up state due to the braces. Is this a part of the process? Two steps back to get three forward? Maths?!

LOOK:

Now they’re off center. That line that separates my top front teeth does not align with the bottom. Before I had these installed, it did:

Should I be panicking now? I am fucking panicking now. I think I’ll call them on Wednesday to see if I can swing in with this photographic evidence so they know I’m not imagining it.

On the plus side, my bottom teeth do not hit the backs of my top teeth now when I eat or talk. It did for a little while after Invisalign and it made the worst noise and sensation ever. It was an audible squeak.

But back to complaining. Why is this tooth, pictured below and marked with an X, moved back now?

Granted, the two in the center are now cozy neighbors and completely flush BUT, why is the X’ed tooth a smidge back?? It wasn’t before. More panic.

Tops look the same to me?

And finally, I think I damaged one of the elastics that go around the brackets with the delicious chewy bread I was trying to eat.

That rubber band definitely was not looped down like that when I got the braces put in this past Wednesday. That is ALL ME. Is this a big deal? Someone who has had braces before, please address this and or the other issues I’ve described above. I am in paranoia overdrive here.

Do the two front teeth look slightly less hee haw now? Or am I just delusional?

I’ve decided that after 3 months I’m going to get these taken out. It’s just too painful to deal with. See those little long stem thingies with balls at the end? I get elastics put in next month and they’re going to be in triangle formation, like fucking geese flying south or some shit. My coworker got them this past Wednesday and she says they’re painful and annoying. WONDERFUL.

Mark my words: I will not go past Christmas 2010 with these mofos in.

Also, if I know you in person, plan on not seeing me between October 20 and the end of the year aka post rubber band installation aka instant birth control.

EGGS HURT

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 23:43:44 -0400

Also: water, brown rice, string beans, bread and don’t forget, WATER.

Drinking water hurts right now because I got full metal gear solid cyborg mouth. Yes, braces. Finally. It didn’t feel that bad earlier today but now, NOW, it feels pretty shitty. Definitely tighter than Invisalign.

I have more things to complain about and I GUESS I’ll post a picture this weekend. I have to attempt flossing now and go to bed.

Also, my sister said I look like Ugly Betty tonight which is fabulous. She tried to save herself by saying, “Well, I’m fatter than you.” Nice save. Really.

SIKE! TWO MORE WEEKS

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 17:17:21 -0400

And then I decide if I get metal braces or not.

Today I went in and the ortho used this tool on my trays. It was called a “dimpling” tool. I wanted to be like, “Oh like the dimples on your face TEEHEE?!” But I channeled my oft missing decorum and stayed quiet. The dimpling tool looks like a pair of pliers and it creates a bump in the back of the trays which then pushes your teeth out a little more. He dimpled the bottom tray where that one tooth is still a little recessed and also the top tray where I feel like one tooth isn’t quite flush against its neighbor. I feel like that tooth is gonna move out more but the one on the bottom is still being stubborn. Meanwhile my clacking teeth issue can be resolved with a little polishing and/or braces.

A month ago I was 100% set on getting metal braces but now I’m about 50/50 because he said I’d need brackets on every tooth and that I’d have to wear braces for 3 to 6 months. Previously he only said 3 to 4 months but now it’s 3 to 6. He said we could evaluate my teeth after 3 months to see if I liked them; if i did then he’d take out the metal braces. I’m thinking/hoping I won’t need to wear braces for a full 6 months but nothing’s guaranteed and I have shit luck. In the meantime I will waffle back and forth for the next two weeks and drive myself crazy with indecision.

While I was there though the receptionist tried to make a love connection between these two high school seniors. It was MAD CUTE. They were already talking about this “hot guy” when I walked in and I thought they were talking about a new assistant or something. But after about 10 minutes this kid walked to the waiting area and I was like HO-DAMN. He was very cute… and a CHILD. Anyhoo that chick got all shy when they introduced themselves to each other and I noticed the guy made sure to say goodbye to her before leaving. I hope they do end up going out because they made an adorable couple. And that girl was so funny and chatty while we were in the waiting area. She said my teeth looked “nice and big” which I guess is a compliment, ha ha.

Oh also, this Asian girl got her braces taken out today and when she walked out we all pounced on her. We were like, “SHOW US YOUR TEETH!!!!” Let me tell you, her teeth looked fucking radiant. I’m kind of sad thinking about them because I know my teeth won’t reach her level of awesomeness. She wore metal braces for 1.5 years though which is way more work/pain than I’ve gone through. Still, her teeth were too magnificent and she has somewhat inspired me to go the braces route. WE SHALL SEE.

INVISALIGN DONE (PRETTY MUCH)

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 14:50:00 -0400

My next ortho appointment is this Wednesday. I’m not sure if the metal braces are going in on Wednesday but I think they are filing those buttons away which is great since they are FILTHY right now. If you look at them with a magnifying mirror you can see some pretty gnarly buildup around the edges. Unfortunately, I did not take pictures of this for you. I did however, do an update.

Here’s an ~artistic~ shot of my teeth with some ivy (?) on a fence in the background.

I wear that blue shirt a lot because it’s one of the two shirts I sleep in. It’s actually this shirt, the one that Jemaine is wearing. It’s no big deal but we did buy them together at a Bjork show.

So I FINALLY figured out how to paste pictures into one document in MS Paint. After all this painstaking time I realized there’s a “paste from” function. A-DURRR.

Uh, I think I liked my teeth more after tray 10. In the most recent pic you can see that the big upper tooth on the right is lower than it was after tray 10. This must be why the tooth below it is hitting it now which must be corrected when I get the metal braces. It’s a really odd and disturbing feeling to have my teeth clack against each other when… well, at all times. They hit each other when I talk, when I eat, when my mouth is closed, etc. This never used to be a problem! F to da M to da L.

For the life of me I could not get a clear shot of my teeth today. I actually went outside FOUR times thinking the sun would do something good like it did on July 25 when I took pictures after tray 10 but no matter what all my pics were kind of blurry. Mmm look how golden yeller my teeth are now. I’d argue it’s the lighting but that would be a lie.

It’s funny how looking at the top of my teeth from this angle makes them look perfectly aligned but if you look at them from the side (see: Buck Toofed Bandit shots) they’re still all Hee Haw McGraw. I tried to take more profile shots for comparison but they just would not come out right.

That stubborn bitch of a tooth just won’t come all the way to the front! Hopefully braces will set it straight. But I have to ask the ortho if that tooth comes all the way to the front, will it clack against the tooth that corresponds on top? Because that’s what’s happening to its neighbors right now and it’s no bueno. Also, I guess I took less pics of my bottom teeth because there are only five instead of six. You should see my files, they’re all unorganized and named nonsensically. It’s how my brain works.

What are the important lessons I’ve learned from Invisalign?

Invisalign is better at moving teeth side to side and not in and out. I like to compare this to the Electric Slide because I know how to do the moves from left to right but forget about me going forwards and backwards. Keep this in mind if you are going to get Invisalign and your teeth looked fucked like in my “before” pics.
Just because the trays look a certain way it doesn’t mean your teeth are going to end up looking that way. If you look at my trays right now you would think my teeth are 100% straight but they’re not, as you can see in the pics. The trays hold your teeth to a degree but your teeth snap back into janky place when you take them out, like instantaneously. It’s pretty fucking frustrating.
You will mouth breathe for the entire duration of Invisalign. No one told me I wouldn’t be able to close my mouth for 6.5 months but I somehow got through it. It’s the most annoying/noticeable when you’re reading because you’re looking down and saliva starts to pool around and escape from the corners of your mouth. It’s very sexy (only not).

I’ll definitely post pictures when I get the Metal Gear Solid face on. I wonder if I’m getting brackets on every tooth or just a few? I hope just a few. I’m the most worried about the rubber bands because they are going to look heinous and they’ll probably snap in my mouth and break, most likely when I’m talking to *redacted* which is OK because I really shouldn’t be crushing on that fool.

K, it’s ice cream time.

I'M BORED. HERE'S AN UPDATE.

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 13:51:00 -0400

Here are my teeth on this fine Sunday afternoon. Note: I’m hungry.

I’m 5 days into Tray 11. Let’s look at my teeth some more.

Not much change has occurred since Tray 8. The main thing I noticed is that the line that separates my two front teeth on top is aligned with the line that separates the two front teeth on the bottom row. Does that make sense? I tried several times to articulate that in a coherent manner but it seems impossible.

I am hot-linking myself from a previous entry which sort of makes me laugh. I don’t remember why the Tray 8 pics were so bad?? I can see that the tooth on the right has moved in a tiny bit so yay on that.

You might be thinking, “Her teeth look OK and she might even be able to ‘pass’ in everyday human society so why is she going to get metal braces after this?” WELL! Look at these:

You know how criminals get those cool nicknames like, “Whitey Bulger” and “Scarface”? I would totes be the Buck Toofed Bandit if I ever robbed a bank. The button is kind of distracting but you can see that the two front teeth on the top are still jutting out which annoys me to no end. This is why I am going to suffer through the metal braces because I hate buck teeth with a fiery rage. My teeth may look “OK” from the front but from the side it’s all inbred carnie sideshow attraction. I probably wouldn’t even notice it on someone else but since it’s my mouth and my money I cannot get past it. It’s ironic that I got Invisalign to avoid being That Old Lady with Braces only to end this whole process as That Old Lady with Braces. Life, YOU KILL ME. What if the metal braces don’t solve the bucky issue? CHIIIIILE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW. Let’s not think about that right now.

BTW, it’s really hard to take side profile pics of yourself, even with the aid of a hand-held mirror. Also, macro shots show every pore, hair and wrinkle. Very horrifying.

METAL BRACES AKA SEXY FUTURE AHEAD

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:36:35 -0400

Today I got my last 2 sets of trays. You can tell by the trays and also by how my teeth currently look that Invisalign is not going to take me to Perfect Teeth Land. Instead, I am about 2 exits away at a rest stop, trying to pee without touching anything. At the end of tray 12, I have these options:

1. Stay where I’m at. Stay at this smelly rest stop with one-ply scratchy TP and inbred weirdos lurking nearby. Why stay here, right? My teeth are definitely better than when I started but I’m not where I want to be and I would regret it if I didn’t go for the further refinements which leads me to…

2. More trays. This would be free of charge however, it would only lead me to another smelly rest stop on this bad road trip analogy. My two front teeth will still jut out more than I’d like them to and one tooth on the bottom row won’t be completely flush against the other teeth. I’d be a smidge closer to Perfect Teeth Land but not quite there.

3. Metal braces. Also free of charge and I would have to wear them for 3-4 months. Includes rubber bands! Sexy, no?! This means that on some days I would be wearing metal braces with rubber bands AND eyeglasses. I might as well buy a pocket protector to complete the look. BUT! I would be well on my way to PTL and I would send you all a postcard from there.

4. Teeth colored braces. These are even better than the old clear braces that some kids had growing up because they really do blend in with your teeth and are barely noticeable. My coworker has these right now. I would get these but they would charge me $300-400 for them and for only 3-4 months of wear it’s not worth it to me. That extra $400 is a plane ticket to SF, you know?

Ortho says that some people don’t opt for refinements at all and I wouldn’t either if it would have meant shelling out more money but since the metal ones are at no cost and since they seem like they will really rectify my jank, I think I’m gonna go that route. It’s 3-4 months of looking like a fool which, let’s be honest, I can deal with. It’s not like I had anything important scheduled or anyone to impress from now until December anyway. (HINT: Adam Brody, if you were planning on marrying me before year end, please reschedule.)

The very last step is my Invisalign retainer which I would have to wear for SIX months (even during the day) after the metal braces are out. So it looks like I will have some sort of contraption in my mouth until June 2011. And then the world ends six months after that so this was all money and time well spent. At least I’ll have a great smile when the zombies come attackin’.

Zombies: HNNNNNNNHUNGRYNHHHHH

Me: :D OH SHIIIIIT :D

So, I think my teeth look exactly like this at the moment and it...

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 12:02:00 -0400

So, I think my teeth look exactly like this at the moment and it kind of makes me want to die. I guess it would benefit me if I met an Asian gopher fetishist. In case you’re wondering, the cropped Asian lady face comes from this picture:

HAY RYAN KWANTEN HAAAAAAY!

Lady, that is one ill-fitting suit. Get thee to J. Crew.

WHOA, AN UPDATE... WITH PICTURES

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 10:09:00 -0400

HI. I’m still janking along here but being a bum about updates. I was kind of pissed and depressed for a while BECAUSE Dr. MoneyHoover was like, “Oh, you can get braces, METAL ones, at the end if you don’t like your results.” And I was like FUCK THAT! I got Invisalign in the first place because I didn’t want to be that old lady with braces. Plus, does he think I’m rich or something? He knows I work in publishing so that can’t be possible. At my last appointment he also said that I could get Invisalign refinements where they’d take more molds of my teeth and then send those in to get more trays made. I’m not sure which option would be more effective, which would cost less, and which would work faster but I guess I’ll ask all those questions when I’m done with Invisalign.

ANYWAY, here are some pictures. I actually thought I had more picture updates but I guess I was even more lazier than I thought/remembered. My laziness only makes this update more exciting though because the pictures will be more ~dramatique~.

Here’s what my teeth look like today:

Holy moley. I’m like, freckle city. But hey, check out my teeth. They’ve moved on up to the east side. I am 4 days into Tray 9. Here are comparison shots from days of yore:

I didn’t even know there was that much of a difference from April until now. My friend at work told me there was but I was like BITCH NO, I AM STILL AN OGRE. Howevs, I see it now, DERRR. If I had been better about updates I would’ve calmed the fuck down a little. Ha!

Top views:

I’m still concerned about the two front teeth. Sure they’ve moved quite a bit but I think the end result would still leave them jutting out more than I will like, especially that one on the right. When I practice smiling with my mouth closed, which I previously could not do at all, the front tooth on the right comes peeping out like Kirsten Dunst’s teeth in that picture I posted a while back. This is because Invisalign is not great at moving teeth in and out, just side to side. This was explained to me AFTER I had signed up for this shit show. Of course I had seen pics and done some online researching and other people have had success at moving their teeth in or out but me? Murphy’s Law governs my mouth. At least the two front teeth aren’t doing that V formation now. I never even sucked my thumb as a kid so where did I go so wrong?!

Bottoms:

That’s either dry skin or dried drool on the corners of my mouth. I’ll let you decide! I’m definitely more happy with how the bottom row is moving along but I don’t want to jinx that either so insert kvetching here.

So that’s it for now. I have trays 10-12 left and my next appointment is in late July. OH, I forgot to mention that I was supposed to get more filing in between my two front teeth but because there was still a gap left from the first filing, they didn’t need to file it any more. At first I was like YAY NO FILING! but then I was like WTF DOESN’T THAT MEAN MY TEETH DIDN’T MOVE SINCE THAT GAP IS STILL THERE?! See, it’s hard for me to be excited and happy about things like this because I’m filled with mixed feelings. On one hand I can see from these pictures that my teeth have moved but on the other, I still wonder if they’ve moved as much as they should have.

SIGN OF APOCALYPSE

Sun, 02 May 2010 13:27:55 -0400

So, there’s a water main break in Boston and its surrounding areas and now there’s a water ban. We can’t brush our teeth without boiling the water first. We can shower in the water but not drink it nor wash our dishes in it without boiling it first. Gotcha.

What about people with Invisalign? What about our plight?!

You see, it’s really hard to remove toothpaste from the nooks and crannies of the trays without water pressure. I tried brushing my trays this morning with some boiled water in a mug but try as I might, the toothpaste was staying put. I then put the trays in the mug and swished them around a bit. No go. I said fuck it and put the trays back into my mouth. Felt pretty gross. Also, I have to stick my hands in my mouth to remove and put in the trays so chances are, I’m eating some fecal matter from the untreated water that I used to wash my hands. I could use anti-bacterial hand gel before and after handling my trays but my hands are really dry as is.

AND, my stupid ass job does not have water bubblers or reverse osmosis machines. We drink tap water at work. So, what are the chances that I’ll actually find bottled water in the city tomorrow for drinking and brushing? I drink about 3 liters of water per work day because I’m constantly thirsty and I love crystal clear pee. Am I supposed to bring water in to work? Like, 3 liters of it? Get outta here! AND EVEN WORSE: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET COFFEE?! Are coffee shops boiling their water before brewing? OMG, this is Grade A catastrophe, folks.

It might take 2-3 days for this to blow over. In the meantime I will bring Listerine to work and rinse out my trays with it. I deserve a medal for the struggles I overcome on a daily basis.

UPDATES AND SHIT

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 15:41:47 -0400

OK, I looked at my last set of trays and they look all right. My two front teeth are flush with the adjacent teeth on both sides BUT, they are not as tucked in as I had hoped/dreamed/prayed. They’re definitely no longer jutting out but they aren’t dramatically pushed back. I wanted the dramz. I wanted people to run into me, people whom I haven’t seen in years, and I wanted them to go, “Something’s different about you, Karmen, and I can’t quite place it. Did you get your boobs done?” And I’d say, “No, these babies are real, and so are THESE!” at which point I would flash them (my teeth, you pervs). Alas, that is not in store for my future.

What might possibly be in store for me is TWO THOUSAND MORE DOLLARS. Let me splain. Apparently, the insurance girl at my ortho office submitted my paperwork to my insurance company to request payment for “braces” without specifying that they are Invisalign because according to insurance companies, Invisalign is cosmetic. So there is a chance that my insurance company could find out that I’m trying to get Invisalign covered and they could straight up deny paying the other $1500 that is still owed. Thus far they have only coughed up $400 and change. Dudes, they better pay up! Also, how convenient that the ortho office NEVER told me this before I signed up for this dog and pony show. Isn’t that poor business practice of them? I wish I was white and rich so I could sue their asses but I’m ethnic and poor and Jim Sokolov couldn’t give two shits about me.

I asked the ortho what would happen if I wasn’t happy with the final results. His answer? “We could always put on a few braces if you want further straightening.” No, no we cannot. The whole reason why I spent extra cash monies was so that I wouldn’t have to have a brace face in my ripe old age. I do not have extra funds for metal braces and even if I did, I would rather spend it on other things that are worth my money, such as scratch tickets and pagers.

Oh, and my filing wasn’t today. It will be right before tray 9. I’m glad it wasn’t today because I had forgotten to pop a delicious Advil before my appointment.

HARD HITTING QUESTIONS

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 20:31:33 -0400

Hey, I’m still alive, still jankin’, unfortunately. This past Sunday I got boba with a friend and since we were at a Chinese grocery store without bathrooms, I decided to go for it with my trays in. Good thing I got mini pearls because the tapioca was pretty hard to chew with the trays. My drink was green tea so I figured my teeth wouldn’t look too bizarre afterward and they didn’t. Imagine if I got taro? LOL.

So, tomorrow I go in for trays 5 and 6. That’s pretty much the halfway mark, according to my amazing Asian math skills. I don’t notice much change from trays 2-4 so I don’t think I’ll do an update after tray 4. And I’m going to have to ask them this tomorrow: What happens if I’m not satisfied after the treatment is done?

I’m also going to ask to look at the last set of trays. I did see the animation but what if my teeth don’t go all the way. What if they just half-ass it like how I live my life?! If I see tray 12 and everything looks good then I’ll be reassured. If I see them and they still look crowded then I am going to FLIP SOME SHIT OVER. I will probs HULKSMASH the office. You’ll see me on the news.

I mean, I am being impatient BUT, I only have 12 sets of trays. If I had, say, 20+ trays, I’d be like, OK, that makes sense, things are moving along slowly but they’ll probably eventually get there. But no, I have 12 measly trays and a whole lotta jank. My two front teeth are still jutting out there, offering shade to small children. I can’t go on breathing with my mouth open guys, I’m totally like this:

Also, they need to file in between my two front teeth again tomorrow and I have to be assertive and insist that they only file as little as possible. I don’t want a giant Letterman gap nor do I want my two front teeth to look grossly elongated. I know Hot Ortho loves him some filin’ so I’m going to have to lay down the law.

PREPARE TO BE UNWOWED

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 16:54:00 -0400

Wow, I just made a gigantic update and then tumblr fucking ate it and couldn’t retrieve my “saved” post.

Here’s the lazy 2nd time around version.

Today’s pictures were taken outdoors because there’s not enough light in my ~~cave~~ house and since it’s windy out, they are out of focus.

The first golden yellow shot is before I started Invisalign. I didn’t take pics after tray 2 because I was too lazy to and because there wasn’t much change anyway. Right now the most change I can see is that the gap on the right hand side between my top and bottom teeth has closed up a bit. And yeah, the two front teeth are more straight up and down now buuuuut I dunno. I feel my impatience raring its ugly head again. I’m actually four days into Tray 4 now and I’m like, WHAT, THIS IS IT? What if my teeth don’t even come close to looking like the beautiful Pixar animation they showed me? What if like most things in life, it was all a LIE?!! Dudes, I can’t even. Here are more pictures of the undramatic changes:

I thought my two front teeth were less twisted now but they look like they’re still twisted but just in a different way. Fart. Also, check out my pre-Chapsticked lips. I look like a corpse.

I *think* there is more noticeable difference in my bottom teefs. Am I right or am I psyching myself out here? Leave some comments, people.

Also, I really need to get Photoshop back because arranging the pictures all in a row like this is not conducive to easy viewing.

And yes, I did use the plane bathroom but only once and that was on my flight from Boston to SF. It was actually more harrowing going back to my seat because everyone stares at you. Knowing this, I did not go back into the bathroom after eating my Terra chips. Instead, I swished some water around in my mouth, swallowed it, and then popped the trays back in while in my seat. S’OK, no one was in the middle seat. And besides, I did much worse things on my trip such as storing the trays in my jacket pockets at a show because I was using a really small handbag that the Invisalign case was too large for. Hey, the jacket was new-ish! I didn’t even eat on the ride back because I conked out and missed the snack run.

I also used Colgate Wisps a bunch of times and they’re just OK. I only used them when I was in a rush or when the bathroom was really grody. They are good in a pinch but otherwise I’ll stick to brushing because the Wisps still left my teeth feeling all LeAnn Grimes.

the-girlieshow: Tina and Steve on Oprah April 6, 2010 (via...

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 10:30:23 -0400

the-girlieshow:

Tina and Steve on Oprah

April 6, 2010

(via lizlemon—)

Go to 4:35. When I take out my trays that happens about 65% of the time.

I’ll try to do a post this weekend if I can fit it into my action-packed and fun-filled agenda (SNL - sleeping, Netflix, laundry (as opposed to GTL - gym, tan, laundry (forgive the Jersey Shore reference))).

ANSWERS

Thu, 25 Mar 2010 13:01:50 -0400

1. I saw my animation and I am happy to say the final results look awesome. In fact, Dr. Goldberg said my teeth would look “beautifully straight” which I am inferring means, “Karmen, you are beautiful and straight. Let’s marry!” No seriously though, the animation is cool. It showed the alignment progress tray by tray and it looked like I will have the most noticeable difference around trays 6 and 7. I’m only on #4 right now so just hang tight, gang (all 2 of you)!

2. The gum line on my bottom tooth will remain a bit raised but I’m OK with it. He did say that they could scale that gumline down but I think it would be more pain and money. I want as little pain as necessary and it’s always good to hang onto my money so that I can spend it on something useless.

3. I got more filing today and it was Hanna Barbaric. The Crypt Keeper assistant had to hold my head down and the filing strips kept snapping! He also got down to my gumline but miraculously, I did not bleed? I don’t know how that works. I have two more rounds of filing after this, one is in between my two front teeth again. I’m kind of wary of that since I think the first filing session in between my front teeth made them look longer. I don’t want long ass chompers like this dude I work with who shall remain nameless. There won’t be any filing on the other tooth that is the mirror opposite of Freakish Baby Tooth soooo I think FBT is going to be the lone little guy in there. That makes me kind of sad but I guess the average person won’t notice this. Don’t develop a complex, Napoleon.

I hope I don’t get the Crypt Keeper anymore because she is so fucking annoying. My coworker who just got ceramic braces hates her, too. She talks to patients like they’re 5 years old. She asked me to pop out my old trays and after doing so she exclaimed, “GOOD JOB!” like I had just learned to wipe my own ass and showed her the dirty TP afterward. Also, she placed Tray 4 in front of me so I got worried thinking she was going to skip Tray 3. When I mentioned this she gave me a DUH, BITCH look and shook the baggie containing Tray 3 in my face. I wanted to punch her in her gullet but it’s OK, I would be a bitch too if I looked like a leather handbag. I feel bad for saying that but it’s entirely accurate and being a storyteller I’d be remiss if I didn’t paint you a very detailed picture.